I witnessed an execution. This is why..

Anyone who has known or worked with me for any time knows that I am a process thinker. In order for me to understand things I often need to see how it works or see the process. I need to see things from beginning to end. So when I started to research the death penalty when a high profile case started to make the news again,  I realized that I have never had a strong opinion either way because I really didn't understand it.

THE BACK STORY
As a former correction officer and Probation/Parole officer I primarily worked with young violent offenders. I can't begin to describe the crimes of the people I have worked with. It would give nightmares to the average person. To put it in perspective one of my old clients had 99 years to serve after the 4 with me.  You don't get that many years without really hurting someone. The things people will do to another human is unbelievable at times. Despite this I loved working with this population and often got to know my guys very well, the good the bad and the ugly. Not just the crime they committed but the person they were, along with family members and their friends.  I did this for many years.

So in 2006 when I woke up to see the faces of my friends and their children the front page of the newspaper after being brutally taken from this life, I was devastated.  Little did I know how this case would affect me long term.

I was one of two employees for the shop K. had when she first opened it above a little vintage shop on Grace St. She was a great employer, smart, funny and very organized. Her husband B. visited the store often, he was her balance, he was very easy going and laid back and had a way of calming her with her nervousness and stresses of opening a new business. She did a great job. That organization and hard work really paid off and soon she was successful and moved her store to a much larger location with more traffic and had her 2 beautiful girls. I will never forget the last time I saw her at the store, right before this happened, she beamed with excitement as she showed me some new stock that had just arrived.

The new years day crime was one that I do not need to rehash or think about.  The news of this horrible crime shook the area. Friends and family were reeling from the violence of this tragedy. The details and pictures of the crimes (of which I have read in its entirety and seen) would resonate in the community for years. Police officers quit and retired, fire fighters shed tears talking about it and family and friends didn't sleep the same. It seemed like the whole city changed that day.  Then to make matters even worse, the crimes continued by losing another family. And that is when my city changed.

Eventually the perpetrators were apprehended and brought to the city for trial. I attended as much of the trial for him I could. The courtroom was so packed they had an over flow room that showed it over closed circuit tv. The jury silently cried while having to look at the pictures  the violence.  Eventually a death sentence was handed down.

Fast forward a few years and occasionally we would hear about the case, but the families were never forgotten and the damage to the community started to heal. But we never forgot those little girls. However, the media often wrote updates on trial information on him, forcing us to be faced with the same picture every time of him, that smug look while he was in custody. It never let the wounds ever really close.

Finally in 2016 the case came back into the news. It caused stress and sadness for my friends who were angry he was on the news again and getting any attention while he tried to get a stay of execution. This is when I started my researching. This is also when I found that I could attend if I put in an application.

APPLYING TO WITNESS
Why would I do this? I woke up one morning and saw his face again on the news and I thought... he has hurt so many people I love, but I'm also not even sure how I feel about the death penalty. I mean, I am clear that there are people that should not be in society and I am also ok with the laws doing what they are suppose to. If you also know me enough, you know I am a black and white thinker. You stole it or you didn't, you hurt them or you didn't. I believe in holding people accountable for their actions and feel there are consequences to bad behavior. I am not someone who likes death though. I decided I needed to see it so I could make my own opinion or at very least understand the process. I decided I would put in my application. This wasn't easy and not something I took lightly. I often thought about whether it was the right thing to do and if I was comfortable, but I never felt I couldn't handle it or it would be too much. I never felt that once. I was acutely aware that this was not going to be okay with many people and that this is not for everyone. I was also at peace with that.

THE DAY
In January I received my letter that I was accepted. It took a minute for me to process this although I did not have an emotional response. I had already come to some sort of understanding in my brain that as a FF/EMT I am faced with witnessing death often. Some times tragic death.  Death of good people, really good people. This I think helped me put it in perspective.  I was actually very calm, okay and accepting of it.

The day of I struggled with what to wear. I  mean what is appropriate??  You cant google what to wear at an execution. Since I am not a fashion conscious person, I realized that this was some stress manifesting itself. I mean really, who cares what you wear. But I still stressed a bit before I decided on some leggings and a comfortable dress. I made sure to not have metal or many pockets since i knew I would be searched probably repeatedly.

The night it occurred I was bussed in from another location (for safety purposes and to keep media away) by the guards into the facility. Everyone was polite, somber and very very kind. I actually knew one other person that was an official witness (state requires a min of 6). This was a great relief. It didn't feel real until we drove down the cop car filled road, through the road block and past those protesting and also supporting the execution who were all looking at us in the van. It was like a scene out of a movie, it only needed some music playing in the back ground. There was 2 hrs of orientation, searches and set up. Everyone was quiet and respectful even when we were not in the room. It was an air of professionalism and respect the whole evening.

When asked if we had any questions, I asked if he had seen his family. I cant tell you where that came from but it popped in my head immediately. For some reason it hit me that his mother needed to touch him one last time. SHE needed that. He WAS her baby. He was born just like other babies....he started out just like all other babies... and for a minute I thought of her pain that night (another person he hurt).. no parent thinks their child will end up a savage killer. I suddenly felt for her as I also thought about my friends who also suffered through this case and my friends who were victims. So much pain by one person...

In the room we watched how they set up, while officials from the state, officers, special interest groups such as those close to the case, family (who were no contact with us) clergy and lawyers all were able to attend. They eventually read him his charges and brought him  out. My first thought was he was FAT , like really fat.... he wasn't the same smug angry face on the picture they showed us for the last 11 years. and he wasn't angry or showing any expression. This kind of threw me a bit, I mean it had been a long time. I guess I just always have  that picture of him in my head when i think of him. He wasn't that any more. He was large, even his hands were swollen and unhealthy, like those that don't move much and live a sedentary existence as he has.

He looked around, but made no sounds. He seemed at peace with his fate. They closed the curtain and 33 min later they reopened the curtain with his IV and leads attached (to monitor heart). They asked him if he had any last works and he replied "Nope, No sir. " and so they began. The first medication rendered him unconscious. We could hear normal snoring sounds you would hear from any fat man sleeping on his back. Soon they gave him a respiration inhibitor which caused the "gasping" sounds the media described.. BE VERY aware that this to a non medical person may have been scary, but I see it on every overdose I go to. It is agonal breathing or agonal gasping. I was not at all moved or surprised by it. A few minutes went by, and his muscles relaxed. Not long after his heart stopped and they called time of death. They slowly, quietly escorted us out of the room, and to the vans to be returned to our cars. They graciously thanked us for assisting by fulfilling the states requirements.

There was no agony, no torture and I am okay with that. He paid with his life both in prison isolation  and in death for his horrific crimes. I didn't need for him to be tortured because I am BETTER then him. I wont stoop to his level of wanting people to hurt.  I didn't need for him to be in agony.. I needed for him to be gone. I needed for my friends, even his family and the city to start moving forward and heal as much as they can  from this absolute tragedy.  Nothing will bring back the families he took from us. Witnessing his death didn't solve any thing for me, nor did it fulfill some need for revenge. I felt an obligation to all those he hurt to be there to see closure, to see this full circle. I was confident that I could carry that burden, if you will, for others. I still do not know how I feel about the death penalty. I do feel there are people that are just bad and should never be a part of society and I also believe that some of them need to be taken out of the word for the heinous things they do. But it doesn't make me comfortable knowing that we have to do this. I drove home listening to some music thinking about how okay I was with what I observed. I was content that I could make an educated decision based off what I saw and not told by the media. That it did not appear to be cruel or unusual treatment.

I know some people will never understand how I could witness that and others will question why I didn't need for him to suffer. I'm okay with that, it was my journey. I reserve the right to say...it wasn't taken lightly or without many months of thoughts and processing and now that I have experienced it I have the right to my opinion about the experience.

May everyone heal from this..my love to you all.